From the Onion, but no doubt based on a true story:
You know what? I'm really sorry, but I'm still not a hundred percent on exactly what's supposed to be taking place here in regard to the acting, etc. Let's kind of break things down and start with what I know. You're sitting down there, and I'm up here. That makes sense. Okay, now: I have a piece of paper with lines on it that I'm supposed to read. No, I'm asking you. Do I? Is that what this paper is for? Right, great, I figured. And so all of you are…actors? No, I'm the actor. Right. So actors and acting are all part of the same thing. Gotcha.
One thing that's sort of tripping me up is, I'm looking at this piece of paper and it says these lines are supposed to be read by a Sgt. Michaelson. Yeah. See, that's not my name, though. My name is Cliff Baum. I mean, I can absolutely read Sgt. Michaelson's lines for you anyway, but I just want us all on the same page with that. Also, and this is more of a heads up for you guys, really, but were you aware that the lines here are things I've never said before? And, totally not a big deal, but it says I'm a soldier, and I'm not. Not at this point, at least. Just so you're aware.
Which reminds me: If I start reading this piece of paper now, do I actually become Sgt. Michaelson? Like, will I still be him when I leave this room? Because I'd really rather be able to go back to being myself when the acting is over.Actually the guy sounds like he's ready for a Performance Studies class!